There Is Something Wrong With Me

Well, I mean, strictly speaking, there are a number of things "wrong" with me.  I like to keep my blog entries fairly short, so we can't get into ALL of my faults, failures, and maladies here today.  We also don't want me to slit my wrists.  So, let's pick a "something" and talk about that & only that, shall we?  ha.

I am TIRED.  ALL THE TIME.  Sometimes I feel like Kevin Spacey at the beginning of American Beauty (ah, one of my all-time faves) - SEDATED. 

It started a couple of years ago.  I actually started coming home from work sometimes at lunch & taking a power nap.  For real.  O-M-G, that's S-A-D.  It's only gotten worse.  Yes, I have some things goin' on with my health that cause fatigue.  Yes, I need to lose some weight.  Yes, I need to hit the gym more often (I'm workin' on it!!!).  But really?  Contrary to opinions expressed in some of my previous posts, I am fairly young.  What the hell?  What are my 40's going to feel like?  A coma?? 

I've done quite a bit of internet research about possible other causes of fatigue besides the chronic anemia (which I recently found out is most likely hereditary), blood sugar issues (also hereditary), allergies, etc., that I KNOW I have.  This research is BAD.  It's bad because I start to get intern's disease - I imagine I have everything I read about.  The vague syndromes are the worst.  "Chronic Fatigue," for instance.  Well, yeah, that's what I have.  Could you be more specific??  Then I start reading WebMD (bad), looking into clinics, some of which are probably shams (bad), and getting depressed (also bad).

Anyway, as a result of all of this damned fatigue that was making it impossible for me to get through a 40-hour work week, my doctor ordered me some time off.  There was a time when I worked 60 - 70 hrs/ week.  No joke.  It wasn't all THAT long ago!  I don't know what happened.  I blame my job, of course (see a previous post), for wearing me down, making me weak, sapping my will, etc.  There was a time when I scoffed at 40 hours!!!  I would spit on your 40, chew it up, spit it out again, then laugh!!!  Ok, that's a little carried away & kinda gross...  You get the point.

I also have a medical chart as thick as some 75-year-olds.  Again, I blame my employer for aging me beyond my years.  I'm starting to wonder if I should add my parents to the blame list.  They gave me these crappy genes.  Damn them, too!!  I have to have SOMEONE to yell at!  More than one person is even better.  The more, the merrier.

So, here I am.  Here I am waiting not to feel so tired.  Waiting to see if the increased doses of drugs & supplements will help.  It's not as easy as it sounds.  I get frustrated, mad, sad, anxious, crabby, cynical, etc.  I also intermittently feel grateful, peaceful, and introspective.  It's quite a ride.  All the while, I'm trying make some gradual adjustments to my life to make it healthier.  Sometimes what worked before doesn't work anymore, and you have to listen to your body & mind and change things up.  That's what I'm trying to do.  But, let's face it, sometimes when you're really tired, you just want mac & cheese.  And ice cream.  You don't have a whole lot of energy to devote to your meal planning or exercise regimen.  But I don't give up.  And I'm learning not to be too hard on myself.  It's hard to balance between self-discipline & self-loathing.  haha... And my Paul helps me.  And this blog is one of the many things that helps to keep me semi-sane while I wait.  8-D