The universe (Bayer) is testing me. I am in the midst of a serious healthy eating phase that has been going really well. I have lost some weight & am feeling better. Lately, the cards seem to be gradually stacking themselves against my attempts to stay on the straight & narrow. Allow me to list the not-so-subtle attempts to sabotage me. It's seriously like that Seinfeld episode.
1. Friday: My co-workers using a summer intern's last day as an excuse to put an enter sundae bar in front of my face. My test result: FAIL. With whipped cream, nuts, and a cherry.
2. Saturday: Amber's devious plan to make me eat cake "in honor of her birthday." Whatever! Test result: Fail. This time with delicious frosting flowers.
3. Monday: I was READY. It was Andreas' last day before going back to Germany. It was on my calendar. I knew it was coming. I was NOT going to be duped again! I even had a meeting while this going-away party was going on. The conflicting meeting was going to save me. Until my VP came by the meeting room to tell us the leftover cake had been moved to the kitchen. Guess where my office is? Yep, across from said kitchen. Result: D-. I had 1/2 piece of delicious almond cake with strawberry filling.
4. Tuesday: Jenny's going away party. Now Jenny is only moving to a new position down the road. She's not quitting or going back to school or to Germany. But I like Jenny a lot. And I had bad PMS. I ate a big freakin piece of 1/2 chocolate, 1/2 white awesome cake. FAIL.
5. Tomorrow is Wednesday. It is my group's monthly birthday cake day. That's right, we all convene in the boardroom & stuff ourselves with Cold Stone Creamery ice cream cake like children while we listen to someone read off the birthdays for the month. This event could not have been combined with someone's farewell cake?? No, we have to have cake 3 days in a row. I realize that the odds are stacked against me here. Recent history does not predict a favorable outcome. I was able to abstain last month, but I still have PMS. And I still love cake & ice cream. What the hell am I supposed to do?
So, you know that office outside the kitchen? I'm moving to the other side of the floor next week. My request. No joke. I have to take back the power from the cake!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Microwaveable Panties
Ok, I declare that this blog has gotten way too serious lately, so...
One of the reasons I like my super-doc is that some of the treatments he prescribes are so far-fetched that they are actually very amusing. Case in point:
As a treatment for what we'll refer to as a chronic "female problem (*wink wink* ladies)," he recently recommended a rather unorthodox treatment. Keep in mind that Dr. K is a small Indian man in his late sixties. I don't know why, but that makes the story funnier. The dialogue went something like this:
Dr. K: Are you still suffering from [said female problem]?
Me: Yes, I am. It's really frustrating.
Dr. K: Oh no, even with the medicine I prescribed you?
Me: Yes.
Dr. K: Well, you could microwave.
Me: Whaaaa????
Dr. K: Microwave.
Me: Microwave what exactly??
Dr. K: Your underwear. For 5 minutes.
Me: BWWWAAAAAAAA.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. K: haha
Me: I'VE NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Dr. K: No? Hahaha.
Me: hahahaha..... My underwear?? Every day?
Dr. K: I had a patient who had [said female problem] for 30 years. She microwaves her panties, and it's gone!
Me: Did you say 5 minutes or 5 seconds?! hahahaha
Dr. K (as he pulls out an article): I believe it's minutes. Let me see... Yes. Slightly moist panties. 5 minutes. The temperature of wash water is not high enough. The microwave is hot enough to kill the [source of said female problem].
Me: Wow, I did NOT know that! hahahahaha....
Dr. K: Call the fire department ahead of time to warn them & see how it works.
Me: hahahahahaha.... ok, I'll try anything at this point. I'll just warn my husband in advance.
I have relayed this story to a select group of friends as both a real suggestion and an amusing anecdote. I will admit I have not tried it yet. I was telling Peg about it recently, and she was very, very concerned. About lots of things. Most had to do with synthetic fibers, elastic, lace, melting, burning, lots of bad scenarios. She actually researched it online & found that a better alternative might be ironing. Then we decided that someone should invent either microwavable panties or [female problem]- proof panties. This is what happens when 2 chemists talk about such things.
So if Paul finds me ironing the crotches of all my underwear later & tries to have me committed, tell him it could be worse. I could be microwaving them.
One of the reasons I like my super-doc is that some of the treatments he prescribes are so far-fetched that they are actually very amusing. Case in point:
As a treatment for what we'll refer to as a chronic "female problem (*wink wink* ladies)," he recently recommended a rather unorthodox treatment. Keep in mind that Dr. K is a small Indian man in his late sixties. I don't know why, but that makes the story funnier. The dialogue went something like this:
Dr. K: Are you still suffering from [said female problem]?
Me: Yes, I am. It's really frustrating.
Dr. K: Oh no, even with the medicine I prescribed you?
Me: Yes.
Dr. K: Well, you could microwave.
Me: Whaaaa????
Dr. K: Microwave.
Me: Microwave what exactly??
Dr. K: Your underwear. For 5 minutes.
Me: BWWWAAAAAAAA.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. K: haha
Me: I'VE NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Dr. K: No? Hahaha.
Me: hahahaha..... My underwear?? Every day?
Dr. K: I had a patient who had [said female problem] for 30 years. She microwaves her panties, and it's gone!
Me: Did you say 5 minutes or 5 seconds?! hahahaha
Dr. K (as he pulls out an article): I believe it's minutes. Let me see... Yes. Slightly moist panties. 5 minutes. The temperature of wash water is not high enough. The microwave is hot enough to kill the [source of said female problem].
Me: Wow, I did NOT know that! hahahahaha....
Dr. K: Call the fire department ahead of time to warn them & see how it works.
Me: hahahahahaha.... ok, I'll try anything at this point. I'll just warn my husband in advance.
I have relayed this story to a select group of friends as both a real suggestion and an amusing anecdote. I will admit I have not tried it yet. I was telling Peg about it recently, and she was very, very concerned. About lots of things. Most had to do with synthetic fibers, elastic, lace, melting, burning, lots of bad scenarios. She actually researched it online & found that a better alternative might be ironing. Then we decided that someone should invent either microwavable panties or [female problem]- proof panties. This is what happens when 2 chemists talk about such things.
So if Paul finds me ironing the crotches of all my underwear later & tries to have me committed, tell him it could be worse. I could be microwaving them.
Humanity
Do you know how people always say that tragedy brings out the best in humanity? When there is a death in the family, people go way out of their way to comfort the bereaved in so many ways: bringing them food, visiting, donating money, paying their respects, offering words of comfort, anything to help make a difficult time easier. Well, I felt the kindness of humanity recently.
I was worried about my return to my workplace after being off for a few months. No one really knew the details of my medical leave. A few close work friends knew some details, but to the rest I kept my problems confidential. It was private, after all. I was worried that I'd feel pressured by questions like, "So what was wrong?" That people would not respect my privacy & probe further when I gave my vague answers. I felt that folks might be resentful because I was being secretive, giving just the obligatory, "welcome back," and then talking about me negatively behind my back. That did not happen. I received a heartwarming welcome beyond my expectations. It touched me. I was welcomed back with a true sincerity (or fine acting!) by everyone from my peers to the folks who clean the office to VPs to my customers. There were even a couple of people whose names I could not tell you. I swear. I felt bad! People really showed me their humanity & that encouraged me to do the same to others. It made my return happier & easier. It gave me a reason to like my job again. For that, I am grateful. So I'm trying each day to remember to "pay it forward." :-)
I was worried about my return to my workplace after being off for a few months. No one really knew the details of my medical leave. A few close work friends knew some details, but to the rest I kept my problems confidential. It was private, after all. I was worried that I'd feel pressured by questions like, "So what was wrong?" That people would not respect my privacy & probe further when I gave my vague answers. I felt that folks might be resentful because I was being secretive, giving just the obligatory, "welcome back," and then talking about me negatively behind my back. That did not happen. I received a heartwarming welcome beyond my expectations. It touched me. I was welcomed back with a true sincerity (or fine acting!) by everyone from my peers to the folks who clean the office to VPs to my customers. There were even a couple of people whose names I could not tell you. I swear. I felt bad! People really showed me their humanity & that encouraged me to do the same to others. It made my return happier & easier. It gave me a reason to like my job again. For that, I am grateful. So I'm trying each day to remember to "pay it forward." :-)
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Fear
I've been back to work now for 1 1/2 weeks. I can't lie. I'm tired. I was dog tired Tues & Wed of last week, and I've been pretty tired this week so far, especially today. I'm trying to stay positive. Trying not to slip backwards. My body is adjusting, I keep saying. Am I totally confident that it will, in fact, adjust & the fatigue will go away? No. But I will not succumb! I have been trying to go to bed early, but I have been having restless nights this week. I don't have the energy to do much of anything in the evenings, so the house is a bit out of control. I was prepared for that. Eating too much take out, having a messy house, going to bed early. Sure, I was prepared for that - during this transition period. The fear is that the transition period is indefinite. That this is just it. That this is how things are gonna be. Period. Prove me wrong, body!! I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)